If someone close to you has ever broken your trust, you’ve probably felt the sting of betrayal. This pain can leave deep wounds.
Any
type of betrayal can cause emotional distress, but you might experience
lingering trauma when someone you depend on to respect your needs and
generally help safeguard your well-being violates the trust you’ve
placed in them.
Betrayal trauma typically refers to the lingering pain and turmoil experienced after:
betrayal by a parent or other childhood caregiver
betrayal by a romantic partner
When
you rely on someone for basic needs as well as love and protection, you
might accept a betrayal in order to ensure your own safety.
You
might also find yourself accepting the possibility of future betrayals —
something that can begin to degrade self-esteem, emotional well-being,
and the ability to form attachments with others.
If someone close to you has ever broken your trust, you’ve probably felt the sting of betrayal. This pain can leave deep wounds.
Any
type of betrayal can cause emotional distress, but you might experience
lingering trauma when someone you depend on to respect your needs and
generally help safeguard your well-being violates the trust you’ve
placed in them.
Betrayal trauma typically refers to the lingering pain and turmoil experienced after:
- betrayal by a parent or other childhood caregiver
- betrayal by a romantic partner
When
you rely on someone for basic needs as well as love and protection, you
might accept a betrayal in order to ensure your own safety.
You
might also find yourself accepting the possibility of future betrayals —
something that can begin to degrade self-esteem, emotional well-being,
and the ability to form attachments with others.
Understanding betrayal trauma theory
Betrayal
trauma was first introduced as a concept by psychologist Jennifer Freyd
in 1991. She described it as a specific trauma that happens in key
social relationships where the betrayed person needs to maintain a
relationship with the betrayer for support or protection.
Betrayal
trauma theory suggests harm within attachment relationships, like
relationships between a parent and child or between romantic partners,
can cause lasting trauma.
People often respond to betrayal
by pulling away from the person who betrayed them. But when you depend
on someone to meet certain needs, this response might not be feasible.
Children, for example, depend on parents to meet emotional needs along with food, shelter, and safety needs.
Similarly,
someone who lacks financial or social resources outside of their
relationship may fear that acknowledging the betrayal and leaving the
relationship could put their safety at risk.
This fear of the
potential consequences of acknowledging the betrayal might prompt the
betrayed person to bury the trauma. As a result, they may not fully
process the betrayal or remember it correctly, especially if it happens
in childhood.
Relation to attachment theory
Though
experts originally applied the concept of betrayal trauma to children
betrayed by caregivers, it became clear that this type of trauma could
also happen in other relationships.
Let’s take a step back to the basics of attachment theory — attachment comes before betrayal, after all.
Your
earliest childhood relationships are so significant because they lay
the groundwork for later relationships. When these bonds are strong and
secure, they pave the way toward secure attachments in adulthood.
Insecure bonds, on the other hand, often lead to shaky or troubled relationships.
A
parent bringing a child into the world has a responsibility to protect
and care for that child. This responsibility forms an unspoken agreement
between parent and child. The child looks to the parent to prioritize
their well-being, and they typically trust their parents entirely —
until the parent lets them down.
In a romantic relationship, you
might not need your partner to survive, but you probably depend on them
for love, emotional support, and companionship.
These
relationships also rest on agreements — the boundaries defining the
relationship. Partners in a monogamous relationship, for example,
generally have some shared understanding of what defines cheating and
agree to trust each other not to cheat.
A partner who cheats betrays the terms of that understanding.
Signs and symptoms
The
trauma of betrayal can affect physical and emotional health, but the
specific effects can vary depending on the type of trauma. Keep in mind
that not everyone experiences trauma in the same way, either.
Childhood trauma
The effects of betrayal can show up shortly after the trauma and persist into adulthood.
Key signs include:
- trouble recognizing, expressing, or managing emotions
- anxiety, depression, and other mental health symptoms
- nightmares
- physical pain or stomach distress
- panic attacks
- thoughts of suicide
- difficulty trusting others
- attachment issues
- eating disorders
- substance use
Children who experience betrayal may also end up dissociating, or detaching from reality to avoid memories of the abuse.
If
your parent fails to protect you, this betrayal can so deeply
contradict what you expect that you end up blocking it in order to
maintain the attachment. Blinding yourself to the betrayal and your fear
of future betrayals helps you survive in a relationship you believe you
can’t escape.
Your ability to “forget” becomes a coping
mechanism. Yet while dissociation might help you cope with the trauma,
it can also affect your memory and sense of self.
Infidelity trauma
Betrayal
in a romantic relationship usually takes the form of infidelity, though
other types of betrayal, such as financial betrayal, can also provoke a
trauma response.
The discovery of infidelity often leads to:
- loss of self-esteem and self-worth
- numbness
- anger
- guilt
- difficulty controlling emotions
- intrusive thoughts about affair details
- loss of faith in others
- suspicion and hypervigilance
- depression, anxiety, and other mental health symptoms
- physical symptoms, including insomnia, pain, and stomach distress
Betrayal blindness can also happen in the context of romantic relationships.
Maybe
you don’t exactly need your partner to survive, but you might still
feel unable to leave, for any number of reasons — children, lack of
options, no income of your own.
Relationships also fulfill
important belonging and social connection needs, and a betrayal can
leave you wondering how you’ll get those needs met in the future.
Instead
of staying alert to signs of cheating, you might choose (often
unconsciously) to ignore or overlook clues in order to safeguard your
relationship and protect emotional health.
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